There's
No Place Like Home!
The
Jamaican Jerk – Off or Is it not true that Jane and Joe Six-Pack have wandered far from home, lured deep into the wilderness of inflated realty values and excessive mortgage debt by larcenous low interest rates? It sure sounds familiar to me. Are there not increasingly dark storm clouds forming overhead now??? – or like Dorothy, are Jane and Joe too preoccupied with consumerism to notice the approaching inclement weather? Now, I ask, where have Jane and Joe taken refuge? Just like art imitates life as Dorothy and Toto, they have taken shelter, or at very least shall we say ‘false peace of mind' in a house. The very vehicle they are going to ride all the way to this land of make believe is none other than the traditional family home. Quite a concept, isn’t it? -- with all the blue sky azure allure of superfluous home equity and the encouragement to tap into it, provided to them by the Grand Wizard, Al Greenspan, and their friendly neighborhood GSE. Yes, aided by the powerful elixir of cheap credit, consumers seem intent on riding their homes all the way to Emerald City. But I digress. “US house prices have had the largest one year increase since the 1970s. Second quarter of 03 to second quarter of 04 - 9.36% annualized. For the most recent quarter - 8.83% annualized.” Rocket Man Used to Be a Weather Forecaster! As most of you may be aware, the trip to the Land of Oz begins when some bad weather spins up, spawning a tornado, which ultimately leads to a bump on Dorothy’s head [Thank goodness, it wasn’t a Hurricane, and she had drowned, we’d have no storyline!]. The resulting concussion or dream casts Dorothy and her Black Pooch on an imaginary journey into the heavens [ehhh, Blue Skies] in a house, yes, I said a HOUSE. Who would have ever figured that houses had such magical mystic, yet mysterious, powers? If this isn’t a case of Hollywood impersonating reality, please pinch me to see if I am comatose. We all know Pigs can Fly! I’ve Seen That Movie, Too – I’ve Heard that Song Before?
“Fannie Mae paid a net $25.1 billion on derivatives transactions in under four years -- nearly all of which may represent losses that cannot be recouped, in turn depressing future earnings.” Now that’s what I call Chump Change! The
King Must Die or In the movie, when Dorothy and Toto arrive in Munchkin Ville, Oz, the house lands on the Wicked Witch of the East [the one with the ruby slippers]. If you pay close attention, you might notice her legs are somewhat similar in shape, in and about the ankles, to those of our beloved John Snow – with his ruby nose. But no one dies early in this story [writer’s liberty – after all, this is my story]. You will have to wait until the very end when everyone wakes up and realizes they are still in Kansas. Then everyone gets it – all at once. Then they all hop in an SUV and go to Ruby Tuesday’s for lunch, since all the Schlotzky’s Deli’s closed! Perfect
Harmony or
The third is a reluctant warrior – his growl more feared than his teeth or bite. Together, this fearsome group of adventurers set off on a magical journey [aka Magical Mystery Tour] to seek out the only person in the world with all the answers to all their worldly problems – for an endless supply of cheap and easy money. Lucy
in the Sky with Diamonds or
Captain
Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy or
Candle
In The Wind or
Madman
Across The Water, So there they were, the adventurers standing before the still imposing fortress of the Witch of the West. They drew closer. After a closer examination of the foundation of the fortress, they quickly discovered that it was made of sand. YES, I SAID SAND. The Blessed Black Pooch had tried to bury a bone he had found along the way, and he threw sand in everyone’s eyes burying the bone at the SE bastion, aka turret [Ivory Tower]! Complete systemic collapse was only a matter of time – in the end all that was required was a good flushing Raines – and it had been threateningly cloudy all day with the weather reports from the SEC our entourage had been receiving on their Palm Pilots. It wasn’t long before the brainless one felt a few drops –- he immediately dived for cover behind a mature burning bush, the genus species having originally come from County Kerry in the Emerald Isle, Eire to you. Ole Rusty’s chest soon seized up, but no one could find him in his undisclosed location at Iron Mountain. The reluctant warrior stood in the rain with his oil can at the ready, frantically squirting oil everywhere. The whole situation was getting very slippery. That left Jane and Joe Six-Pack, alone, watching the colossus of a fortress with a foundation made of sand collapsing under its own weight. In a storyline [world] like this, one in which no one wants to finish their role [live], Jane and Joe quickly realized that they had very few real friends. The Yellow Submarine had already left the pier. And certainly, Elvis had already left the building [fortress] before the collapse for another gig just the other side of Munchkin Ville! Sorry
Seems To Be The Hardest Word or
“In the 1970s a very courageous gentleman named Edward Durrell claimed that substantially all of the US Gold Reserve being stored at Ft. Knox was gone. Only 1,000 tonnes or so of the 8,500 tonnes supposedly being stored there remained.”
Upon reaching the Imperial Vizierial Wizard’s palace [Fed Re$erve, Emerald City], Jane and Joe were astonished to see that the palace’s shimmer was gone. Was it all a complete lie? On the front door was a placard with instructions that read: “To return to reality, tap your heels together three times whilst saying with each click of your mouse, “There’s no place like home.” BUT BEEEEEE CAREFUL!!! That’s what I did and my palace was repossessed when I couldn’t afford my new payments on my adjustable rate mortgage (ARM). Seems like some Jack Leg realty appraiser buried me in my ARM loan – Gee, Whiz! I only wanted 150%! Since I never was a good Imperial Vizierial Wizard -- I’ve gone fly fishing somewhere over the rainbow. If you really need to find me, try calling Rocky Mountain High Information on your cell phone. I’ll keep my cell phone on vibrate, but don’t fax me… it’ll scare the fish!” Your Immortal Pal, Easy Al
© 2004 Author – Rob Kirby, Toronto, Canada Email Edited by – Gale
Bullock, Columbia, Missouri |
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GLOBAL
REAL ESTATE MARKETS FORUM
As
I recollect my own fond memories of the movie, remembering Dorothy and
Toto looking out the window of their ‘flying house’ as it spiraled
up through a funnel cloud, I think I also see the Sugar Plum Fairy and
Tinkerbell! From the window they could see their nasty, dog-hating,
bike- riding neighbor transform herself into the broomstick riding
Wicked Witch of the West. If you look really closely and take away the
broom for a moment, you might even detect a snick of similarity, in and
about the eyes and nose, with 
Just
like Dorothy, Jane and Joe Six-Pack have friends that offer moral
support and accompany them
Then
there’s another one, ole 
The
adventuresome group was told to follow a special road, which would lead
them to the exalted Wizard [known inside the Beltway, ehhh Abby Road, as
the 
Oz
was ruled from The Fed, Emerald City, with an iron fist by the
omnipotent Vizierial Imperial Wizard (Easy Al). From his perch [throne]
behind a curtain he consulted from time to time [or whenever he saw fit]
with governors from other Fed districts -- like Fed Munchkin Ville.
Historically, this lot stuck to their knittin’ and managed little more
than the financial affairs of the Lollipop Guild. But, with the arrival
of a beleaguered and debt strapped Jane and Joe Six-Pack, a newer and
more adventurous course needed to be charted. 
Clearly
our heroes needed a plan, Stan, to find one sure of fifty ways to enter
the fortress. They started with blueprints for the fortress – looking
for its Achilles’ heel. The architecture was impressive. The walls
were all three feet thick and the fortress was tall – 26 stories. It
was built beside the sea and was surrounded by water on two sides and
just one pier. The third side had steep mountains as a backdrop and the
fourth was guarded by the menacing 5 trillion derivatives monsters.
Getting into the fortress was going to be a truly ‘daunting task” to
say the least! This is what we call a local micro market real estate
problem! The solution, as it turned out, our compadres in theft [Pay
attention! – stealing the broomstick!] came upon quite by accident. As
it turns out, the Imperial Vizierial Wizard back at Fed Emerald City had
an emergency Friends of Munchkins committee [
All
that was left to do was to retrieve the broomstick of the Witch of the
West from the rubble, which was conveniently located atop the collapsed
mound of sand, and return it [theft] to the omnipotent Imperial
Vizierial Wizard in the Emerald City. As they returned to Emerald City,
they couldn’t help but notice that the former yellow brick road was no
longer paved with gold [nor good intentions as they crossed the 
Don’t
Let The Sun Go Down On Me,
