A Stimulus for the Wealthy

Just when things seem like they can’t get any worse, we receive the distressing news that the wealthy are starting to cut back. An Associated Press article earlier this week, As Spending by Wealthy Weakens, so does Economy, detailed the sad plight of the wealthy. Economists say the economy is slowing because the richest 5% of Americans — those earning at least 7,000 — are buying less. They account for about 14% of total consumer spending. According to the article:

“Think of the wealthy as the main engine of the economy: When they buy more, the economy hums. When they cut back, it sputters. The rest of us mainly go along for the ride.”

So the 5% of the population are the engine in the Hummer and the other 95% of us are the baggage strapped to the roof just going along for the ride. I’m sure if the engine isn’t humming along as well as expected, we can throw some of the baggage overboard to lighten the load. It’s OK if the middle class suffers a little more. They are used to it. We must follow the Too Rich To Fail policy in order to keep America in its proper disequilibrium. Everyone needs to accept their spot in the pecking order. The American middle class are the piss boys for the wealthy aristocracy residing in NYC and Washington DC. Wait for the shake “little people”.

Official spokesperson for the wealthy Larry Ellison, CEO of Oracle who “earned” .84 billion over the last decade while shareholders received a negative 45% return on their investment, has announced a dramatic cutback in his lifestyle. He has voluntarily agreed to reduce his compensation to .83 billion over the next decade while cutting back on his yacht racing from 4 days per week to 3 days per week. The impact on the San Jose economy could be devastating.

There are multiple reports of the wealthy making dramatic cutbacks such as:

• Cutting their staffs of butlers, cooks, house cleaners, gardeners, and piss boys from 45 to 43.
• They are only sending their personal shoppers to Tiffanies 4 days per week rather than 5 and they have reduced the daily spend from ,000 to ,800.
• Using the small helicopter to fly the 15 minutes from their gated 45 acre estate to JP Morgan’s headquarters.
• Many of the rich are only filling their Olympic size pools to 4/5 of capacity to save on water.
• John Kerry is reportedly considering downsizing from his 76 foot yacht called Isabel to a 75 foot yacht named Bourgeoisie in order to send a message to the “little people”, that he feels our pain.
• Many of the Wall Street ruling class are only eating out six days per week and have purposely restricted themselves to Le Bernardin and Masa only for lunch.
• The ruling elite have scaled back their month long vacations in the Hamptons to only 3 1/2 weeks.
• I understand that the menus for dinner parties in the Hamptons have been downsized from yellowtail tartare tidbits, green olive pesto crescents, and firecracker shrimp canapés to just caviar, yellowfin tuna ribbons, and sea trout sashimi draped in trout eggs. Oh the humanity.

Mark Zandi, the brilliant Obama shill economist, chimed in with this scary factoid:

“They are the bellwether for the economy. The fact that they turned more cautious is why the recovery is losing momentum. If they panic again, that would be the fodder for a double-dip recession.”

Unless we can stimulate the wealthy to keep spending we are all doomed to a double dip recession. The plight of the wealthy should be at the forefront of anything we do. Since the top 1% wealthiest Americans own 43% of the financial assets in the country, they were particularly hard hit by the stock market crash. These poor souls were quite disillusioned by their losses. It has taken millions in bribes, “political contributions”, and lobbying ”investments” to recapture 13% of their lost wealth since last year. The recent hiccup in the stock market has made them nervous and edgy. The hysterical “financial reform bill” did cheer them up briefly, but they are back in the doldrums. They are wondering whether the cyber-bot supercomputers being employed by their friends and colleagues on Wall Street to fraudulently push the stock market higher can continue to fend off the reality of a Great Depression II.

“The affluent — as their wealth goes down — they’ll become more and more conservative,” predicts David Levy, chairman of the Jerome Levy Forecasting Center.

We cannot allow the affluent to become more conservative. Therefore, we must contribute all we can to their wealth, by any means necessary. I’m proposing a multi-pronged strategy to increase the wealth of the wealthy:

1. All this debate about the Bush tax cuts is silly. The solution is simple. Extend the tax cuts only for those making over 0,000 and screw the peasants, who don’t spend money they don’t have. This is sort of a reverse Robin Hood strategy. Of course, this would make the budget deficit go up by trillion or so, but only suckers pay interest anyway. The wealthy pay cash.
2. All these shiftless lazy dregs wandering the streets unemployed are very disconcerting to the rich. They favor extending unemployment compensation to 5 years, paid for by a surtax on those making between ,000 and 0,000 per year. We need to keep the unemployed masses sedated. Visions of pitchforks, torches and guillotines are distressing to the affluent, as they are not sure their gated estates and private security forces would be able to fend off the angry hoards.
3. The rich do favor a jobs plan. The CEOs of corporate America generally fall into the rich category based upon their million per year pay packages. These titans of industry have been able to generate awesome bonuses for their top executive cronies and their Board of Director lackeys by shipping jobs overseas. The solution to our jobs issue is so simple. It is right in front of our noses. Ship the unemployed to Thailand, Vietnam, China, and Indonesia. We have thousands of surplus cargo ships from when we used to make stuff. The shiftless dregs get jobs paying per day, a couple bowls of rice, and are far enough away that they can’t revolt against the rich. The government doesn’t have to pay unemployment, executive bonuses stay high as profits are maintained, and we ship the American work ethic to our competitors abroad.
4. All the remaining unemployed will immediately be enlisted into the armed services. The rich control the Military Industrial Complex and will shortly be creating a war with Iran. The unemployed will provide the cannon fodder for this venture. Profits in the Defense industry will soar. This is definitely a win win.
5. Cash for Clunkers was such an outstanding success that a similar program should be rolled out for the wealthy. The new program would be called Dollars for Diamonds. We know the rich have diamonds just lying around the mansion. We will offer them ,000 per diamond traded in, if they upgrade to a bigger and better diamond. This will do wonders for Warren Buffett, as he owns most of the jewelry stores in the U.S.
6. The HAMP program and the homebuyer tax credits did wonders for the peasant housing market. Since the rich have absolutely no scruples, morals, or sense of right and wrong, they have been defaulting at a much higher rate on their million dollar homes as detailed in this chart:

It is clear that the rich are hurting and need their own housing plan. It will be called RAPE (Rich Always Program for Elite). Anyone with net worth exceeding million who verbally tells the RAPE Administrator that they are struggling with their mortgage will immediately receive a check for 0,000. This program will be paid for by eliminating food stamps for the 40 million lazy good for nothings at the bottom rung of the economic ladder.

As I have made perfectly clear, it is our patriotic duty to help the rich regain their confidence. I know you will all agree and do what’s right to support the ruling elite.